This one particular writing is really for freedom; from fear, from low expectations, and from selling my self cheap. It’s more of self talk than anything else, for writing is said to be liberating, for that freedom-my freedom, is a wild horse that has been hard to mate..
I have been running for so long now. On serious things, as much as on light weight things. I guess the saying is true: how a man does one thing, is how he does everything…
November last year, I decided to read and follow the advise from M Scott Peck in his ‘Road less travelled’ in a vein attempt to put things in order. He was/ is a genius; the book spoke to me directly, and resonated to many experiences I had. Until,
Until I decided I don’t want lecturing any more, until I decided maybe it is time for some light reading… So, running away was what I did, even from that book.
I embarked on a novel instead, hoping it would be a light read. The selection criteria was random: Basically, I had the book with absolutely no idea how it got to me. The selling point for it was the goodreads ranking of 4+. Despite the warnings, I decided to read it.
That was Hanya’s book: A little life. They said it was a book of friendship. Couldn’t disagree more: it is a story of life, told by observing 4 friends. I came to see myself in each one of them as I flipped through the pages. I was JB, Willem, Judy, Malcom all at once. I wished to be Harold as well:
‘If I were a different kind of person, I might say that this whole incident is a metaphore for life in general: things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, some times wonderfully.’
[I wish to be]* that kind of person after all’.
On so many levels, I was immersed in that book. I didn’t read the pages, I was captivated by the ease and flow of the writing. The simple language that carries it all: hope, ambition, anxiouty, love, despair, lonleness, betrayal, emptiness, fear and happiness. Until.
Until the unimaginable dream comes true. Until Jude is adopted by Harold. I felt the heavy burden of the months to February as much as Jude did, and I hit that climax as he did. ‘My’ happiness was flawless. And then a remark:
‘He doesn’t know this, but in the years to come he will, again and again, test Harold’s claims of devotion, will throw himself against his promises to see how steadfast they are. He won’t even be conscious… And so, he will challenge them, because when their relationship inevitably ends, he will be able to look back and know for certain that he caused it, and not only that, but the specific incident that caused it, and he will never have to wonder, or worry about what he did wrong or what he could have done better.. ‘
At that point, my courage deserted me. It carried me but till the point where he speaks to Felix on friendship – Another future post?. That is not even half way through the book, but it was the much I could read. I feared reading more. There is no easy or fancy way of saying it, but it is what happened.
So, I spent last month running. Thinking and not thinking of Jude. If only memories could be erased for real. If only letting go was easy, his happiness could be flawless- for real. But hey, maybe I just saw life in him, maybe it wasn’t as much about Jude as it was about peaces of me I could recognize.
So, today, I decide I’m worth it. I’m writing to let go. I’m writing to give me permission to go back, and finish that novel. I also grant me the right to go slowly, but not to quit, for I am more than that. I know it…
May your life be filled with courage, action, and love.
May you be guided to the true path. And may your Journey be filled with adventure.
* This replacement is mine